Monday, January 30, 2012

Down But Not Out: The Ice Bucket Man Cometh

Newt Gingrich, the House ice bucket slayer, the moon talker doing the candidate moon walk as Mittens prances away in his starched jeans and tasseled loafers like a prissy Captain (Jack) Sparrow, came out swinging and tossing buckets of red meat at his blood-lusty crowds while declaring, without irony, "when you're desperate you will say anything." The polls say he's far behind the mulligan multi-millionaire with the oily phrasing — "have you checked your own investments-ah" — but how can Tea Partying teabaggers, genuine or wanna-be's, possibly reject this swamp thing, this laughing gator and orange demon of the Everglades candidate in their midst? How can any Florida voter with a keen sense of history and appreciation for this political theater of the absurd say no to Newt Gingrich?

Newt Gingrich is the best Republican thing (not counting George W. Bush, El Supremo Putsch, And The Tale of The Well-Hung Chads) to have happened to GOP Floridians since these guy (see below) alighted on the Miami Beach Convention Center trailing a fearsome entourage of loathsome, sadistic German drillmasters to claim their short-lived Republican nomination for President and Vice President. Tragically for the nation, W. went the distance despite his impeachable criminal war record, thanks to the Dark Lord without heart or pulse:

Memories make me want to go back there, back there, All the memories make me want to go back there, back there
All the memories, how can we make it back there, back there, I want to be there again...

Nationally, Republican voters lust for the fake "Reagan conservative" who behaves like the Nixon Loathario of their dreams. The latest Gallup poll had Nasty Newt leading Mittens 31% to 27% with some cave dwellers still undecided. But slick packaging and Establishment peer pressure may yet sway Republican voters to back Mittens the Molten Core. C'mon, peeps. Where's your hatred for "Obama"? Nasty speaks your lingo. When have you ever heard him say, "President Obama"? Exactly. Where's your sense of adventure and possibility? ¡Vamos Cubanos Republicanos de la Derecha! ¡Un voto para Newt és un voto por la invasión de la Isla Bonita!

Break out of your lemming ways, grand ole partying Floridians! A vote for Newt the Nasty is a vote for independence from the tyranny of the Country Club Establishment. Aren't you tired of white one percenters with British colonial accents sitting in New York City telling you what to think and how to vote? Cast a vote for Newt and free yourselves forever of the shackles of dependency on the dependable candidate of the smoke-filled links and corporate boardrooms. Send a chill and a shiver up Ann Coulter's back, a thrill up Roger Ailes's leg! A vote for Nasty Newt is a vote for your heart in rebellion against small minds and even smaller ideas. VOTE for your Manichean self just itching to break through!

Just do it. There's still time. Reject the statist Establishment. The Ice Bucket Man Cometh but once in your lives. Carpe diem. You won't regret it. Trust me. Vote your hopes and dreams.

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