Saturday, April 22, 2006

Speech Preview

A local college is sponsoring an address by Colin Powell. The topic--"Diplomacy: Persuasion, Trust and Values."

Let's see--you had no real intent to use diplomacy, so for the sake of persuasion you showed you have no core values, and now no one will trust you.

Is that about it?

Friday, April 21, 2006

Rolling Stone Nails One

Back in the day Rolling Stone was relevant, Rolling Stone was edgy. Rolling Stone had the pulse of the "under-30" crowd. They had Hunter S Thompson and Cameron Crowe and Fricke and the rest hammering out really readable prose, and Jann Wenner juggling a "brazillion" balls at once - effortlessly. Then of course, in a flash Rolling Stone became irrelevant. No one cared what they thought about pretty much everything. But perhaps they've turned a corner, if this week's cover is any indication.

In this treatise, expert historian Sean Wilentz (Princeton) lays out all the reasons that an overwhelming number of nationally recognized historians believe that Drinkey McMessiah-Complex is among the very worst presidents - if not THE very worst preznit - in our nation's long history.

It's a captivating and intriguing read. Here's just a snippet:

George W. Bush's presidency appears headed for colossal historical disgrace. Barring a cataclysmic event on the order of the terrorist attacks of September 11th, after which the public might rally around the White House once again, there seems to be little the administration can do to avoid being ranked on the lowest tier of U.S. presidents. And that may be the best-case scenario. Many historians are now wondering whether Bush, in fact, will be remembered as the very worst president in all of American history. Here is the link to the entire article. I urge you to invest the time.

Dear Thinky:

I normally don't go to Dear Abby for my material, but this is rich:

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ron," and I are at odds over parenting our 7-year-old son, "Brett." My husband is very domestic. He cooks like a world-class chef and does more housework than any man I know of.

I have read Dr. James Dobson's books on family. He clearly states that a father should be the manly role model for the son, to prevent the son from being homosexual. I'm concerned that Brett will learn feminine ways from my husband and turn out to be gay. How can I convince Ron that he needs to teach Brett the more manly things in life?


Abby, I've got this one.

Dear Worried Mom:

Here's your problem in three little words: "Dr." James Dobson Stop right now. Burn anything you have written by him and try to forget EVERYTHING that vile freak has ever said.

That is the first step to help YOU avoid becoming a disturbed psychobigot who will certainly mess up your son's life. I just hope I'm not too late.


Thursday, April 20, 2006

How low can you go...

Jack be limbo, Jack be quick
Jack go unda limbo stick
All around the limbo clock
Hey, let's do the limbo rock
Limbo lower now

Limbo lower now
How low can you go?

FOX Poll: Gloomy Economic Views; Bush Approval at New Low

.....President Bush’s approval hits a record low of 33 percent this week..

And just so we're clear--that is the FOX poll.....

OK, raise your hands out there..

I do this with great trepidation, because I take this very seriously (In the interest of full disclosure, I see a psychiatrist regularly and have a prescription for a tightly controlled psychoactive substance--I am the poster boy for adult ADD and take Concerta). That said--

Raise your hand if you think we have a %^&*$ing CRAZY man in the White House?

I don't mean stupid, evil, incompetent (although I exclude NONE of those). I mean just totally NUTS, BONKERS, INSANE, you name it.

I swear, he is just crazy.


Retired Senior Naval Officer Backs President

A retired naval captain countered the growing tide of criticism of the president and the Secretary of Defense. The captain (in the navy, a captain is the equivalent of an army colonel) briefly complemented Secretary Rumsfeld, but had the highest praise for the president.

"We've spent many hours, many days, and particularly many nights together. He rarely makes a decision without consulting me. I can guarantee you that the president and I have spent a tremdous amount of time together in the last few years, and I think it shows."

The captain, whose name was not disclosed, is pictured below:

The problem in a nutshell

I nearly never open forwarded email. However, when my brother sends it, I KNOW that something both profound and amusing will be contained within. This picture, forwarded to me, is no exception.

Two of these things belong together...

From the Chicago Tribune editorial discussing Fred Phelps and his hatemongers:

Plenty of exercises of free speech rights are bound to antagonize or even traumatize many people: Ku Klux Klan rallies are offensive to blacks, Nazis marching in Skokie to Jews, and Gay Pride parades to conservative Christians.

What? Let's see--the Klan tortured and killed blacks, the Nazis tortured and killed Jews, and the gays did WHAT to the "conservative Christians?"

Lynchings, gas chambers--and feather boas. Oh the humanity.

Clever folks with too much spare time

Outstanding work.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Back atcha, Rummy

From The Onion: "It's unfair. You don't go to war with the Secretary of Defense you want, you go to war the Secretary of Defense you have."

The good old days?

Chimpy, on the departing Scott McClellan: "One of these days he and I are going to be rocking on chairs in Texas, talking about the good old days and his time as the Press Secretary."


Unfortunately though, Scott, that deal you signed with your benefactor is absolutely ironclad. Sorry about that one.

Those little ones change so fast

Here's one a few hours later:

EXCLUSIVE--Tom Cruise Baby Pic!


As you all know, Katie Holmes gave birth to a baby girl. The proud papa, Tom Cruise, is of course into Scientology, the bizarre and controversial "religion" involving extraterrestrial past lives and the evil alien Xenu, who brought billions of people to Earth, stacked them around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs.

Well, your intrepid reporter has scored an exclusive, the first baby picture of our newest little Scientologist:

New Press Secretary Named

Shortly after the resignation of White House spokesman Scott McClellan, the president named his successor.

"We looked long and hard to find someone who could bring Scott's honesty and dignity to the press room," said an anonymous source.

The new White House spokesman is pictured below:

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

What's wrong with this picture?

The wife will be here...

And your humble correspondent will be here in Libertyville!....

God help us

"I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defense."

Deceased Generals Urge Rummy to Step Down

(National Fake Wires) At a recent seance, the spirits of several deceased U.S. military leaders called on Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to resign. The dead added their voices from beyond to those of several living generals who have recently criticized the secretary.

Ulysses S. Grant said, "remember that line about how `the art of war is simple enough? Find out where your enemy is?' Rumsfeld doesn't even know who the enemy is, let alone where he is. Sweet Jesus, I need a drink."

An invisibly angry General George Patton expressed similar sentiments, when he said "Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way, right? Rumsfeld couldn't lead a kindergarten class in a round of Happy Birthday. The bastard is too arrogant to follow, so that leaves only option--GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY, DON!!

The disembodied voice of a rather philospohical Dwight Eisenhower remembered how he "hated war as only a soldier who has lived it can, only as one who has seen its brutality, its futility, its stupidity," and then added added "let's see, futile, brutal and stupid, sound like anyone we know, DON?"

These opinions were not unanimous, however. Secretary of State Rumsfeld received high marks for his loyalty from deceased former general Benedict Arnold. He was also was praised by some notable enlisted personnel.

"I've never met a smarter man than Secretary Don, smart as can be, smart, smart, smart," said

Finally, Secretary Rumsfeld was commended for his hard work and diligence by

Sunday, April 16, 2006

A question I cannot answer

This sorry conflict has exposed Colin Powell as a fraud, neither the good soldier nor an honorable man.

It has also severely damaged the political fortunes and legacy of another once well-regarded leader. I know the answers to my question with regard to our miscreants, but concerning him, I am puzzled. I just have one thing to ask:


A Theological Query

John writes in his Gospel:

On Sunday morning while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been rolled away from the entrance. She ran to Simon Peter and to Jesus' favorite disciple and said, "They have taken the Lord from the tomb! We don't know where they have put him." Peter and the other disciple started for the tomb. They ran side by side, until the other disciple ran faster than Peter and got there first. He bent over and saw the strips of linen cloth lying inside the tomb, but he did not go in. When Simon Peter got there, he went into the tomb and saw the strips of cloth. He also saw the piece of cloth that had been used to cover Jesus' face. It was rolled up and in a place by itself.

My question--Jesus is raised and leaves the grave cloths in the tomb. He had been stripped before crucifixion. What the heck is he wearing? Where are you going to find a store open that early on a Sunday morning--on Easter?

Oh, I forgot...

The Wailing Wal-Mart