Thursday, March 01, 2012

Our Kind of Civil War: Rebels v. Rebels

As Super Tuesday looms, Rick Santorum heads South where Newt Gingrich lies in wait, ready or not, to defend his Georgian turf. Mittens is persona non grata in the occupied Southern states. But he will be waging his favorite kind of campaign: blanket drone scorched earth attacks targeting Psycho Ricky and Newt Gingrich. "My favorite Civil War general, William Tecumseh Sherman, inspired our campaign's total warfare ... He did a lot of burning, ha-ha. But, let me say this — if nominated I promise to run ... ha-ha, and I will, if elected ... ha-ha — I will serve, I promise! Hahahaha ..."
Feigning outrage, Newt Gingrich replied: "Governor Romney is the most dangerous Republican in history. He's a liar, a mudslinger. He's like Goldilocks. It has to be just so. Anything less and he'll start whining and go running off to his sugar daddies for another money fix." Opening yet another line of attack, Gingrich accused Romney of being a carpetbagger with Swiss bank accounts and tax shelters in the Cayman Islands, who as the "grotesquely hypocritical" governor of the People's State of Massachusetts provided women with contraceptive services, against the wishes of the Catholic Bishops. Taunting Mittens as "an avid hunter of small varmints" Gingrich asked sarcastically, "do you still believe taking away 2nd Amendment rights 'helps protect us'?"

Then he admitted never having owned a firearm himself. Meanwhile, Mittens unleashed his not-so-secret weapon, Ron Paul, to slip through the doggie flap and attack Gingrich/Santorum: 39 times to zero. Yet Paul insisted disingenuously he's not Mittens' lapdog. Really?!

For his part, Psycho Ricky pledged to run a "positive" campaign smoking out Satan from our lives:
"The place where [Satan] was, in my mind, the most successful and first -- first successful was in academia. He understood pride of smart people. He attacked them at their weakest. They were in fact smarter than everybody else and could come up with something new and different -- pursue new truths, deny the existence of truth, play with it because they’re smart. And so academia a long time ago fell."
Psycho Ricky believes colleges are "indoctrination centers" of the left and President Obama "wants to remake you in his image. I want to create jobs so people can remake their children into their image, not his." That image, could it be, could it be ...

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