President: "We Don't Torture"

(Local Fake Wires) President Bush (left) stated emphatically today that "we do not torture." The president added that "we're working with Congress to make sure that as we go forward, we make it possible, more possible, to do our job, there's an enemy that lurks and plots and plans and wants to hurt America again. And so, you bet we will aggressively pursue them, but we will do so under the law."

Congress previously rejected the president's compromise proposal to allow torture only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and on weekends after 6 PM local time. In a new measure sent to Congress, the administration specifically denounces torture, but requests that the CIA and the military be allowed "to hurt prisoners really really bad until they tell us what we want to know."