Friday, November 13, 2009

Bears Fix

I may have listened to too many of the callers to B&B this afternoon, but here's what I think is wrong with the team and how to fix it:

People accuse Lovie of being unemotional, but I think that it all starts at the top. Where's Virginia? Why isn't she on the sideline, getting into Cutler's face after every INT? Why isn't she screaming at the D-Line every time they go offsides? How the hell can they expect to win with an elderly woman running the show? What they need to do is sell the team, and get some real emotion going. First, I'd put together an ownership team of Da Coach and JP Morgan, cause he was richer than God. Then I'd hire the reanimated corpse of Genghis Khan to run the offense, Doug Plank to run the D, and I'd bring in Jim Cramer to give the halftime speeches. I'd have a team of rabid dogs on the sidelines and unleash them on any player who makes a stupid penalty. I'd ban any hair that showed outside the helmet, music, and books other than the playbook. Players with tattoos would get cut, unless they were of their mom or Sweetness. I'd turn Soldier Field into a
dome, make it 15 degrees for every home game with 32 mph winds, and get snow machines in to cover the field, while at the same time banning long sleeves.

Oh, and I'd move Chris Zorich to linebacker.

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