Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Chris Matthews And The The 40-Yard Curse

Our friend Chris Matthews loves to marginalize Liberals by describing us as “far left haters.” Such a pleasant fellow. I wouldn’t mind it so much, if not for his ludicrous false equivalence born of idiocy or 30 years of Reaganomics. In Chris’s “brain soup” the “far Left” is equidistant from the “far Right.” (It seems the Dean of the Idiot Punditocracy has lived up to his title. So, feeling magnanimous, we’ll let it drop.)

You see, Chris has come up with the perfect sports metaphor to describe himself politically. In fact, it is exquisitely accurate, if only Chris had the imagination to realize it. But being Dean of … you know, he cannot. Here’s the thing: Chris loves to use a football metaphor to say he exists politically around the 40-yard line, a little center-left a little center-right, depending on the play.

Now suddenly aware of his embarrassing error, his ultimate curse, Chris will frantically claim to be simply a spectator. But the refs overrule. So let’s be clear, they announce: Chris is a player. And let’s be perfectly clear about this one, too: The 40-yard line is the spot on the field where plays come to die, where the drive stalls, and where the advancing team has to punt the ball away. Uh-oh.

Where Chris Exists In The Matrix: Somewhere Between Short-Term Slash & Burn Elitist and His Buddy, Pat.

Resigned to his fate, Chris concedes he never makes it far enough even to kick a field goal. Which is the one enduring quality — posting zeros on the scoreboard — that makes Chris the perfect Dean of the Idiot Punditocracy.

Liberals, on the other hand, have the wind at our backs, a spring in our step, and the certitude of ultimate victory. We’re deep into enemy territory, already. On our Left side of the field, in the aptly named RED ZONE. We have the wingnuts pinned with their backs against the goal post, which they keep constantly moving, making it harder to score. But Libs are a persistent bunch. Our drive is ultimately a success as we punch through to score.

In the meantime, Chris has run into a spot of trouble in his game against the wingnuts. He thinks he might have stopped them at 4th and 1. But then the crafty wingnuts run a trick play and their pass is ruled a catch. Chris is convinced the wingnut stepped out of bounds and bobbled the ball. He throws the challenge flag.

Chris wants to talk about it. That’s what he does best.

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