Update: Paul, the Oracle Octopus Retires ... Or Will He?

Paul, the Oracle Octopus, plans to retire after achieving spectacular international fame for his prodigious psychic abilities, going 8-for-8, generated death threats from disgruntled fans. But the outcry, coupled with multiple offers for Paul’s services, convinced the superstar Octopus’s handlers to reconsider. They added that any new projects Paul undertakes will not necessitate him leaving his home in the Aquarium Sea Life Centre, Oberhausen, Germany.

Paul did have some advice for the U.S. Soccer Federation, though: FIRE Bob Bradley and hire Jurgen Klinsmann as the new coach of the U.S. national football team. The U.S. will never get off the snied unless it gives command to a top-notch foreign coach who’s “been there, done that.” Klinsmann deserves a great part of the credit for Germany’s success and the turnaround of its football program evident in this World Cup. He coached Germany to a third-place finish in 2006, makes his home in the U.S. for the past 12 years, and would be the ideal coach to make the United States competitive for the 2014 Cup. Even from a public relations perspective, his winning personality would be a welcome improvement to the dour Bradley.

(Okay, Paul didn’t really say that, but he would! ... seer that he is.)