Memo from God

From the Desk of God

To: Pat Robertson
Re: Smiting




Dear Pat:

We have discussed this topic previously, and as I recall, I advised you to leave the smiting to me. Here I was, having a perfectly nice New Year, except for that Notre Dame game, and you have to step in it again. You think I smited the prime minister of Israel over divided lands? As I said in the Book of Joel? Me damn it, Pat, let it go!

First of all, the Book of Joel. Shall we say, umm, that wasn't my best work?
"That which the palmerworm hath left hath the locust eaten; and that which the locust hath left hath the cankerworm eaten; and that which the cankerworm hath left hath the caterpiller eaten."

Doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, does it? And that whole "I will also gather all nations, and will bring them down into the valley of Jehoshaphat, and will plead with them there for my people and for my heritage Israel, whom they have scattered among the nations, and parted my land"....don't take that all that seriously. How should I put this..that was, you know, a starter home? It's the valley of Jehoshaphat, for kid's sake! Been there? Hot, dry, dusty, that was so last five milleniums. I've moved on, La Jolla, Vegas, Aspen, that's where to be. Divide that me-forsaken desert up any way you want!

And the kid wants me to remind you to stop bothering him. You think Christmas is easy when you're Christ??? He needs a break and there you are whining all the time. For the love of me, shut up!

Oh, one last thing. I see you're still really straining. I could send one tsunami-sized enema if you want!



You're not looking that well yourself, there, Pat. I'd lay off the smiting talk, and be sure and say hi to cousin Satan for me, won't you? Sure it's hot, but it's a dry heat!

But I love you--even though everyone else thinks you're a great big dick!