From the Desk of God
To: Bud SeligFrom: God
Re: I Bless America
Dear Bud:
I am writing to you concerning a matter of great importance. I enjoyed watching the World Series last night, but Mr. Selig, PLEASE stop the inane playing of “God Bless America” during the 7th inning stretch IMMEDIATELY! Look, I like Irving Berlin, and Kate Smith is a pal (every other Thursday up here is Talent Night, and last week she did a couple of numbers with Ol’ Dirty Bastard that blew the Pearly Gates off this place!) but the 7th inning is for peanuts and crackerjack.
You already disposed of the patriotism before the game, and let’s face it, it has been four years. Move on, Bud, move on.
It also is a pretty lame song. “God Bless America?” Are you telling me to do so? Well, if so, I’m more than just a bit offended. Asking? Get in line. I’ve got a lot of countries to bless. Expressing vague optimism? Why bother? And “the oceans white with foam?” Looked around lately, Bud? The oceans are more likely a murky brown with medical waste and used condoms.
So here is my suggestion. If you must go patriotic, go with the purple mountains or the tis of thee thing, or even that smarmy Neil Diamond song. Hell (oh, sorry, excuse me!), I don’t care if you use "Surfin’ USA," just stop with the whole “through the night with a light from above” routine! I must warn you, however, that Hurricane Katrina will look like soft-tossing in the bullpen compared to what will happen if I see Lee Greenwood within a 250-mile radius of any World Series game.
Thank you, Bud, and go White Sox! Oh, does that surprise you? Of course I want the Sox to win. You don’t think I would root for the Astros, do you:
of you have sat, and perhaps thought, with us!
1 comment:
I was saying to my wife last night that I hope that if the Cubs ever make it to the WS (thus marking the end of civilization), someone in the organization will have the guts to look at Fox and say "I don't give a damn that you trot out singers to sing God Bless America during the seventh inning stretch. We already have a gimmick here, and it's one our fans expect. Point your cameras up at the booth and watch Ernie Banks (if he's still alive, or whoever) sing Take Me out to the Ballgame. Sure it's a marketing gimmick. Shut up."
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