MUSIC BREAK: THE BALLAD OF (*BURP*) JOHN BONER!

IS THIS CRYIN' SLUSHBAG FOR REAL?! DOESN'T HE KNOW THE DEMOCRATS WON THE ELECTION AND HE/TEABAGGERS LOST?! The Speaker of the House IS EXPECTED to take tough, sometimes unpopular decisions (with his caucus of crazies) FOR THE GOOD OF THE COUNTRY. That is if you're counted among the great, historic Speakers. Here's to you, BONER. John Lennon had you totally sussed:

ASTONISHING DETAIL IN PICTURE BELOW!

ATTENTION WINGNUTS FROM UNDER EVERY ROCK AND RATHOLE IN RIGHTWINGVILLE! Aside from Mitt's awkward magic underwear stance, do you notice anything utterly TREASONOUS about him?! (Keep in mind, the photo has not been photoshopped! You may trust but verify, independently.) Give up? OMG, Mitt Romney is not wearing an American flag lapel pin!!! OH, THE HUMANITY! Where are the Fox Hounds, the Pigman, the wingnut blogosphere, yelling "unpatriotic traitor, traitor traitor!"

LAPELGATE!

OVAL OFFICE BANTER ...

OBAMA: "WELCOME TO THE WHITE HOUSE, GOVERNOR." ROMNEY: "GURGLE; AARGH." OBAMA: "WHAT? SORRY, WE DON'T ACCEPT GIFTS." ROMNEY: "GURGLE; AARGH." OBAMA: "LOOK! THE PICTURES ARE JUST THE RIGHT HEIGHT!" ROMNEY: "GURGLE; AARGH." OBAMA: "THERE ARE SOME THINGS MONEY JUST CAN'T BUY." ROMNEY: "GURGLE; AARGH." OBAMA: "YOU'RE TAKING THE TURKEY CHILI, RIGHT?! WEIRDLY APPROPRIATE CHOICE; A LEFTOVERS LUNCH; MAY BE A BIT ON THE CHEESY SIDE ..." ROMNEY: "GURGLE; AARGH; GURGLE!" OBAMA: "LET ME CALL THE WHITE HOUSE HELP: OH, TAGG!! (PSST ... I MADE THAT UP, OR RATHER MICHELLE SUGGESTED IT ... SHE'S SUCH A JOKESTER, HA-HA.) ROMNEY: "AYEEEEARGHH!!!" OBAMA: "THE BOXING GLOVES OVER THERE; TURNS OUT WE DIDN'T NEED 'EM. " ROMNEY: "WHIMPER." OBAMA: "HAVE YOU SEEN THE FINAL COUNT? TURNS OUT YOU GOT 47% OF THE VOTE! ISN'T POLITICS IRONICALLY POETIC, SOMETIMES? YOU CAN LET GO NOW, GOVERNOR."

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T GO TO THE 7TH FLOOR ...

EXTREMELY FUNNY BRAZILIAN ELEVATOR GHOST PRANK:

MITCH McTURTLE IS SLOOOOWW ...

HE HASN'T REALIZED DEMOCRATS WON THE LAST ELECTION RESOUNDINGLY AND DECISIVELY!

 

Susan Rice Meets With Sens. McCain, Graham, Ayotte ...

WEARS LATEX GLOVES, SPLASH GUARD, AS CIA DIRECTOR HAS HER BACK, and infectious (Benghazi DERANGEMENT Syndrome) disease physician is on standby:

BIG EDDIE REACTS TO LATEST GIANTS HUMILIATION OF CHEESEHEADS

YO, EDDIE HOW'D YOUR PACKERS DO LAST NIGHT? (SEE BELOW FOR BIG EDDIE'S TEARS.) But the Big Guy was otherwise all recovered from the L-Tryptophan Turkey overdose on Thanksgiving to offer some trenchant observations re:football this holiday w'end. Totally agree with Big Eddie on the hype surrounding the 49ers kid QB. You don't bench your starter who has done no wrong just because the kid shows flashes of brilliance and beginner's luck. Wait till he takes his first big league hit ...

Couple other random thoughts: (1) Big Eddie ought to interview — totally serious — his namesake "Fireman Ed," the Jets' longtime No. 1 fan who has finally had ENOUGH of the Jets' EPIC INCOMPETENCE and up and quit! Should make for a great interview, Eddie. (2) Is anyone as SICK of the Cowboys as I am?! Everytime I turn around, one network or another is sucking up to Jerry Jones' HORRIBLE team, barely hanging on with a 5-6 record, a supremely incompetent coach, and a punch-drunk dumb quarterback. Yet wingnuts like Al Michaels talk up the team as if they're this HUGE powerhouse. The bias is so pronounced, it's embarrassing and DISGUSTING. (3) How incompetent is Norv Turner, San Diego coach?! Had his defense played basic, FUNDAMENTAL football, which means wrapping and NO MISSED OPEN FIELD TACKLES, they would've put the Ravens away on a 4th-and-29! At such a moment the coach has to gather his D and give them a reminder pep talk: FOCUS, COVER YOUR LANES, AND WHATEVER YOU DO, NO MISSED OPEN-FIELD TACKLES! Turner does a pretty good impression of a zombie on the sidelines, and that carries over to his team.

Finally, I must say, Big Eddie, Aaron Rodgers is a totally overrated QB. Without a top receiving corps, he's like a lost widdle cheesehead in the woods. Put it this way: Given the choice, I'll take one of the most underrated QBs in football, Eli Manning, over Rodgers ... EVERY TIME. Eli is nothing short of amazing given what he's had to work with in his receiving corps.