LIVE FROM THE WHITE HOUSE:
Good evening. My fellow Americans, I wanted to talk to you tonight about a serious problem, a problem for America. As you know, before we saved the world from a murderous dictator with stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction and gave Iraq a happy, peaceful democracy, I mentioned an "axis of evil."
I mentioned Iran and Iraq, because they hate our freedom, and I want to mention Cuba now, because they hate Jeb, and because I lost my wallet down there once when Neil and I snuck in using one of Poppy's planes in the '70s because we heard they had some kick-ass weed there, and anyway it was a bitch and a half getting out without my state ID because, you know, the cops had my driver's license to start with and Neil was doing the hooker thing, they were cheap down there even with the drinks, but anyway, since 9/11, you know, 9/11 and all that--anyway, where was I? Oh right, I decided something.
Look--Iran, Iraq, Cuba, what do you see? OK, murderous dictators or oppressive regimes, but I mean something more important. Look again, Iran, Iraq, Cuba--four letters! Iran, Iraq, Cuba, FOUR letters! Coincidence??
Therefore, I have tonight declared an "Axis of Countries with Four-Letter Names." These countries may be evil, they may not be, but hey, just saying Iran, Iraq and Cuba gives me reason to invade. And besides, there are other countries that may be way eviller that I could never come close to saying. Uzbekistan, Vanuatu or Turkmenistan? Hell, they could have yellowcake waffles every day for breakfast and damn if I'm going to mention them in a V.F.W. speech. Seychelles? She sells seashells down by the seashore for all I know! Saint Vincent and the Grenadines? Karl, are these real countries? Hell, the only thing I know about grenadine is that's what you float on a Tequila Sunrise!
So tonight, my fellow Americans, I am making the hardest decision that an American president can make, after deciding between watching Japanese cartoons or that boxed set of "The O.C." I have decided that to keep America safe, we must preempt any threats posed by the four-letter countries. So now, Chad, we're coming for you. Peru, you gave me some wicked shit in college but look out for shock and awe. I took out half of Guam before Cheney told me they were actually part of us, but Fiji, you're either with us or against us. Condi said that Togo is a country, hell, I think it's a party! War, party, same thing, though, huh?
of you have sat, and perhaps thought, with us!
2 comments:
Damned good thing he knows that Utah is a state, well.....hmm, Utah? Orrin Hatch, all those fundies?....OK, dammit, allright, it's a good thing he knows it's a state.
I suppose W. gave this ultimatum to Ohio and this is why Ohio gave its votes to that twit.
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