Dear Sir or Madam:
I am assuming that since your title is "Law Department" that you must actually employ or retain "lawyers" who went to "law school." Given that assumption, I am writing about your company's statements that they are "legally obligated" to pay outrageous amounts used for hookers, greens fees, love nest hideaway apartments, whites-only club memberships, spa getaways and other boondoggles "retention bonuses."
I am also a "lawyer" who went to "law school." Like most "lawyers" who went to "law school," I took a first-year "law class" called "Contracts." Did you? If so, did you learn in said class that there are several colorable (albeit not necessarily successful) arguments that the company could make with regard to these agreements? Either in Contracts, or in a "law class" called "Remedies?" If so, you would learned that in such cases that money damages are the only remedy? After the greedy bastards claimants have carried the burden of proof as to both enforceability and damages?
In closing, esteemed colleagues, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PAY THESE BONUSES. Make the greedy bastards valued employees sue you for it. It may make them angry, and cost some legal money, but you look better and if you lose the nitwits who drove your bus off the cliff your loss is?
Take it to a jury!
of you have sat, and perhaps thought, with us!
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